I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
