I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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