those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
