My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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