It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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