Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
