I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
