Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
