I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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