I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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