I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
