i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
