I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
