Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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