this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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