you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
