I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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