fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
well you can't waste a boner
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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