You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
