My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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