So drunk its hurt
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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