What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This baby is an asshole
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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