Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
