I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
