Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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