4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I got chris browned last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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