I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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