we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
