my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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