You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
