dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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