If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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