Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
