how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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