i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
