I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
