Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
