I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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