I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I queefed so loud it echoed.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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