Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
