I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
