did you get engaged???
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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