I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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