He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
