Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
