I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
