You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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