my phone needs a breathalizer
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Randomize
