just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
