If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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