I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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