I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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