kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
