He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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