tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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