you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
