Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
