im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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