No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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