After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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