Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
