i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
