After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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